"Is It Possible that I Accidentally Raised My Hand... How Do I Lower My Hand”

By The Onion at 10:51 AM 5/30/2020 (PDT)

In an unsurprising turn of events, it seems that no one is willing to actually be productive in the UNSC. The Zoom call rang with jokes from the Director regarding the competency of his Chair and a hurried "is it possible that I accidentally raised my hand... how do I lower my hand" from the Russian Federation when he was prompted to speak. It is beyond astounding how it seemed that technical issues were discussed in more detail than the actual issues. What is more, despite discussing “the hand raising feature” for almost 20 minutes, France physically raised his hand, completely neglecting the existence of a hand-raising feature. Every time the Dais called on a speaker, each person said “[they] forgot to lower their hand,” ridiculous. The Onion editors were reminded of the outlandish “I’m stretching” students use in school.

Furthermore, it was almost impossible to understand what anyone was saying when their audio kept cutting out. How can any progress be made during committee when some people seem to be yelling at the top of their lungs while others refuse to improve their audio? The United States even cut out in the middle of their speech, leaving everyone in wonder about what was going to be said. For almost an hour the Dais spoke on and on about how people seemed to have different kinds of hands they were using, yet no one seemed to listen. The Dais had to keep reminding people that they were on mute. The Dais had to clarify whether people “meant to have [their] hands up” (answered by fevered nods). The UNSC Dais has our sincerest condolences. They definitely need them.

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