It is Humane to Torture/Intimidate the IRA

By The Onion at 11:37 AM 5/31/2020 (PDT)

With the unfortunate death of the Prime Minister that SkyNews reported on yesterday, a new figure of power was desired within the cabinet. While the death of the PM is questionable as one of the DOCs is called “Ding Dong the Witch is Not Dead,” the Lord Privy Seal seems to have made himself the leader of the group. During a 2.5 minute extension of a GM (gentlemen’s mod(erated) caucus), the Lord Privy Seal took over debate, going on a ramble about the need for more prisons and how everyone had to be shoved into said prisons. After these faithful 150 seconds, a delegate mentioned how the GM was running out of time thus reminding the Director to do his job. Thus, he asked delegates to type “prisons” and “intimidation” into the chat. One can only wonder what that means, reporters worry for the well-being of the Director.

The reporter decided to scout out the “prisons” and was dismayed to find absolute silence. In the 30 seconds our reporter was in these prisons, they were subjected to immense levels of indescribable emotional trauma that cannot be described through the English language. The soul-wrenching, all encompassing, horrendous silence still haunts our reporter as they are trying to recover from the irreversible damage this silence has instilled in them. They met KINGMUN’s USG of Principal Bodies, Maya Nair, who had also been scarred by the terrifying silence in the Cabinet’s prisons. She told reporters, Sunday, that she believes there might be a possibility of brainwash or hypnosis as every prison consists only of people feverishly typing.

Our reporter was too scarred by the spiraling chasm of silence and pain to even fathom, let alone, visit, the intimidation chambers. Industry spoke of pushinshing the “IRA” members, clearly on some wretched physiological level.

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